Potty training 101.

Well, I finally bit the bullet and did it. I kind of had no choice. Sam had made our whole lives miserable with his constant asking to be changed, telling us he wanted to go on the toilet only to sit there and not go, demanding a diaper, throwing fits when he went because he had to be changed RIGHT THAT SECOND, and so on. In other words, he was beyond ready. I told him his diapers were almost gone and he would have to start wearing underwear soon. 

I was scared for the process. As a first time mom and a researcher at heart, I naturally had read a lot to prepare myself. It was a bit of a mistake (though I'd probably still do it if I went back) because HOLY information overload!! Everything contradicts and everyone is sure their way is right. Here is what I learned after my extensive research:

Wait until they're ready. 

No, just pick a time and do it. You could think they're ready but you might be wrong.

Accidents are good, but too many mean they aren't ready. Actually, accidents mean they are learning.

Put them in underwear. 

No, just leave them naked.

Pull ups are from Satan.

Take them to the toilet every 30 minutes, no ever hour, no every two hours. 

Don't pester them, just gently remind them. No, don't even remind them just let them have accidents it's how they learn, NO remind them, but only for the first few days. NO, "remind" them just by asking if they're dry. But not too often. 

Get a toddler sized potty. No, those are gross, just get them used to the big toilet right away. But those are super intimidating, maybe get a little potty. 

Do nights at the same time. No, just do diapers at night at first. 

Really, just wait until they're at least 3. No, don't wait or they'll have physical and psychological hang ups. 

It's easier to train them when they're younger. No, it's easier to train them when they're older. 

Any bumps in the road means they aren't ready so just try again in a few months. No dont give up, be consistent and persistent, they'll get it. 

And there you have it. Hours worth of research right at your fingertips. You're welcome. Is your head exploding? Mine was. 

We are a week in. He's got #1 down. #2... Not so much. I don't even really know what we did. We decided no more diapers no matter what except at night. It really only took a couple of days to get the peeing thing down. Hopefully the big duece will follow and we'll be done. 

Really though, my advice 

(Because you know, there's a real shortage of advice on this subject. Also, I'm a real expert. My kid has peed on the toilet for like 4 days in a row so you should really listen to me) 

is to just pick what makes sense to you and what you think will work for your kid and go for it. Don't over think it. They'll get it eventually.

Or they'll just be like Sam and stand in front of the toilet and poop on the floor. Forever. 

But he does look pretty cute in undies. 

I suck at blogging.

I had good intentions when I started this back up, honestly I did. But it's been like a month and the crickets are chirping over here. Sorry. 

Since I've last posted, Luke has become mobile, eats like a horse, and started sleeping through the night. Boom. Mama likes. Sam has learned how to swing a hockey stick and plays pass with Mike, consistently eats his food with a fork (I thought he'd shovel stuff in with his hands in kindergarten), and says his abc's when he feels like it. 

I've joined a few women's groups at church and am loving the feeling of being more involved in it, something I always said I would do but never actually have. Done and done. 

We attempted potty training Sam. It was a fail. I'm lazy about it. We decided to give it another go when the frigid weather goes away. I'm not really sure why warm weather will help with potty training but I'm going with it. 

I'm planning a baby shower for my sweet cousin/long time BFF from a different state. It's kind of hard and I'm feeling what I like to call "Pinterest pressure" about it. My own taste is simple and understated, but I'm just as prone to "ooo and ahhh" over all the awesome Pinterest-y type stuff as the next girl. Must everyone be so creative? You're making me look bad :/ 

Our new dairy/house plans are still delicately on hold. Mike and I had such a wonderful talk about it. It's fully in Gods hands. His hands are more capable than ours, and no one on this earth, even the most difficult people, can stand in His way. Feels good to quit biting my nails over it wondering if we'll ever get where we want to be. We are relinquishing the control that we never really had in the first place. 

That's it for now. My next post is going to be thoughtful and fun and not a "catch up" type post at all. Promise. 

Life lately

2013 has come and gone, and 2014 has taken off. Having kids really makes the time go by so much faster, I cannot believe the Christmas season escaped me so quickly. 

My Christmas was nice, except some bad news from an old friend. A girl I have been friends with since high school lost her four month old baby boy, Grant, on December 16. He died during a fairly routine surgery - it was a huge shock to everyone from the parents to the doctors to distant friends. He had a condition that caused the sutures in his skull to close prematurely, not allowing room for his brain to grow. It was caught early, which was said to be a great thing because they could correct it with a surgery at a mere four months old, which despite being so young, was the optimal time. My friend and her husband were anxious, of course, but were given every reason to believe all would work out well. The surgeon, a top neurosurgeon in southern California, had performed over 400 of these surgeries and had never seen a death from it. Everything started great. Two hours in they were told Grant was stable and the riskiest part of the surgery was done. Right as they were about to close him up, baby Grant began bleeding. Despite the surgeons best efforts, the simply couldn't stop it. He went into cardiac arrest from massive blood lost and died right there on the operating table. 

My heart is so heavy for my friend. Despite being as crushed as I can only imagine, she is fortunate to have such a strong faith in Jesus that she was able to stand at her own baby's memorial service and say, "blessed be the name of The Lord." She is clinging tightly to His promises. 

This is her with Grant just before the surgery: 

Doesn't the picture just break your heart? There is nothing like a mothers love. Being a mom myself and having a baby just a few months older, it physically hurts me to think about. Please keep Rob and Cindy in your prayers.

Hearing this news changed all my Christmas plans. In a flurry of quick decisions I decided to hop on a plane a few days earlier than expected so I could make it to the baby's memorial service. I simply couldn't miss it. I flew out early with Luke, and Mike and Sam flew out the Monday before Christmas as preciously planned. Three days is so long  to not see my Sam! I missed him so. Monday was a sweet reunion! 

The next few days were a blur of family, food, gifts, and plane rides. In some ways I dislike traveling over the holidays. It makes me wish I lived close by everyone so we wouldn't have to deal with the stress of travel. But ultimately I am so very blessed. We spent our Christmas surrounded by our families. We are healthy. And I am more certain than ever that we live where we do because God wants us to be there. So if that means we have to travel to spend holidays with our family, then so be it. I'll do it with a smile. 

I'm a New Years Resolution type of a person, so I've thought of some goals for 2014. My goals kind of center around the idea of stepping out of my comfort zone more. As a stay at home mom, it's tempting to keep ourselves in our bubble. I want to get out, help others, say yes, figure out a way. Even if I'm nervous about it. 

Annnnd there's Luke waking up. So here is a few latest pictures. Happy 2014 to you and yours! 

Latest in the life of Sam

This kid!! So much is changing in this little ones life lately that I know I need to write it down. Document it before I blink and it's changed again. Blink again and he's different. Blink some more and I barely remember the sweet things that are making my heart smile today. 

The way he talks and the things he says just kill me. He has his pronouns confused right now, but he kinda knows it. He'll bring me a book and say, "momma read to you?" And then shake his head and correct himself, "Momma read to ME." It's so sweet. And who can resist reading the same book 14 times when he says, "Do it again, momma, pwease?" It's so hard to say no to pwease. Speaking of please, he's also become pretty good at "thank you," except he kind of thinks its a magical phrase that can get him out of doing anything he doesn't want to do. 

Time to come inside? "No bank you." Stop climbing on the couch? "No bank you." Time to change your diaper? "No bank you." 

At least he's polite. Kind of. 

He's also mastering the unprompted, "I love you," which is easily my favorite thing he's ever said, duh. I love asking him who he loves. He gets a big cheesy grin and starts listing people. I've never really prompted him to say certain people, I kind of just listen for his answer. Momma and Dada are always listed, sometimes grandparents, sometimes Mickey Mouse, etc. The other day, he listed "baby Wuke" and I about died. He is so sweet to his brother. 

However, we have seen a few moments of jealousy, which is actually a new thing for him. Mike was laying on the ground holding baby Luke, and Sam wanted to wrestle. He realized Luke was getting in the way of this, and he wasn't happy about it. He tried to push him over and said, "No baby Wuke, baby Wuke lay down." Lol. I wonder how he'll do with Luke getting older and actually doing more besides just sitting there not getting in the way of his fun? Guess we'll find out :) 

I was looking at pictures from 4 and 5 months ago and amazed at how different he looks and acts from then. Such recent pictures, and he's already a different kid. One day I might forget that he skips 5,6, and 7 when he counts to fifteen. Or the sweet way he says "momma kiss" when he gets hurt. Or the little song he sings for Baxter (digga digga digga digga Dax!). Or that he sings the Happy Birthday song every time he sees any kind of fire. 

I hate how quickly things change and fade. While I'm looking forward to watching him change and fade into a pre schooler, a 1st grader, a high schooler, etc, I just don't want it to go too quickly. I don't want to forget the little toddler he is today. I know it's so cliche for a parent to say they want to freeze time or for time to slow down, but it's so true! 

He amazes me daily. I love him and his baby brother beyond what I ever knew was possible. 

I hope I am spending enough time soaking it all in. 

Luke Jeffrey.

How can my boy be 6 months old already? I JUST had him. Right?! But the joyous holiday that was Thanksgiving 2013 almost over shadowed my little sweeties half birthday. 

He rolls all around, gets up on all fours and tries desperately to crawl, sleeps anywhere from 6-10 hours at night, sits up on his own, and has a smile that melts everyone's heart. His dr appt isn't until December 4 so I don't know his weight yet but I'm excited to find out. He is such a joy, even on his fussy days. His giant smile just makes my heart burst - I cannot get enough of him. I am so thankful God chose me as his mama; I often wonder why He decided I was worthy. 

Thankful.

I'm sitting here basking in the glow of a holiday done well. 

My youngest brother, his wife, their 4 kids, my parents, and my oldest brothers son all made the 15 hour drive from Southern California to east New Mexico (basically west Texas) to spend the week with us. It was pretty much everything I hoped it would be. The kids had an absolute blast. They left behind the beautiful but busy California streets for the wide open spaces of farm life. They were greeted with crisp air and snow on the ground. To a California kid, snow is like gold; they could hardly get their coats and boots on fast enough to get out and play in it. The adults drank coffee and relaxed and held babies (my brothers youngest is only a couple months behind Luke) and the kids ran wild all over. Everyone got to shoot guns, both real and BB, get a tour of the dairy, take tractor rides, and even milk a cow. The weather was just chilly enough to be festive, but not enough to ruin the fun. We ate until we felt sick on Thanksgiving, and Sam has been asking for pumpkin pie every other second since Thursday. 

It was really a wonderful holiday, and it highlighted all of the many things I have to be thankful for. 

Vince and Luke, 4 months and 6 months

Dairy tours

Making the stuffing with grandma

Thanksgiving festivities

All of us minus a napping Luke

My own little family. Don't mind the naked baby and our sweats. It was after a very large dinner.

My heart is full. 

What's good enough for Jesus...

Is more than good enough for me. 

I was feeling discouraged today. Nothing earth shattering, just life and little things adding up. I read an ig post about Luke 5:16 that says, "so Jesus often withdrew into the wilderness and prayed." It really got to me. Even Jesus himself often had to escape from it all, head off into the great outdoors and just pray. 

How often are my prayers interrupted. I pray here and there all day, but sometimes what God really wants is a good heart to heart, off by ourselves, with no distractions. How healing it is to just go off by yourself and pray. Be still. Pray. Listen. We have not because we ask not. 

Thankfully our God can use even Instagram to remind us where we need to be looking when we are discouraged. 

My Luke

Can we really almost be coming up on 6 months since Mr Luke Jeffrey came into this world? 

I'm pretty big on half birthdays so I'm sure I'll do a post for him on that day. But for now I have to write down the latest and greatest before I forget. 

My big boy is officially a good napper. It's not unusual to get two shorter naps and one nice long 2+ snoozer in the day. If all the stars align, it is at the same time as Sam's nap and gives me a nice break in the middle of the day. Sam didn't nap longer than 45 minutes until 9 months old so I consider this a win. Luke goes to bed around 7 and starts his day around 630. He has one overnight wake up in there for a quick nurse and he's right back out. I'll work on that later :) but for now I know it could be worse.

We've thrown sweet potatoes and pears into his diet, and he STILL spits up buckets :( I want to say Sam had slowed down by now? Crazy how quickly you forget. That said, he's doing fantastic with his solid food; he gobbles it up. 

He is sitting up on his own fairly well. Like, 10-15 minutes could go by without him toppling over. Sometimes if he starts to fuss I'll just sit him up and he's happy. 

He's a raspberry blowing, cooing machine. He loves being talked to, really soaks up attention. Second child syndrome? ;) 

Sam wanted me to read him a book this afternoon so I made him sit by Luke so Luke could see it too. My goodness, little guy just loved it! His eyes got huge as he looked at the pages... He look from me to the book and back to me and then to Sam, it was the cutest thing! I've read him books before, but he's usually on my lap so I don't get to see his reaction much. I think I'll read to them like this every day! I managed to snap a picture in between pages.... 

 I think Luke is going to be curious and nosy. He's always wanting to be in on the action and know what's going on. He is active and alert, a lot like his brother. 

Lord, help me! ;) 

Simple joys.

A (semi) clean house, a chilly day, and baked apple pie scentsy (bc they didn't have cider mill, but baked apple pie will do) making my house smell like fall. 

Oh, and a happy 2 year old playing with his tractors ("come on tractor! Let's go on the neigh neigh, tractor!" He's seriously the cutest) And a napping, sweet heart of a 5 month old. 

My heart is content. 

"Do your research"

This is quickly becoming my most hated phrase. It's used for just about everything  controversial, but I'm focused on babies on this blog so I'll stick to that. You know what, it's HARD being a mom in today's world. We have so many options, so many opinions, and have access to SO much information - it's beyond overwhelming. It doesn't help when all of said information contradicts each other in the most convincing ways. I read a pro- vaccinating article and I'm convinced and terrified. I read an anti- vaccinating article and I'm convinced and terrified. I find oodles of research telling me to wait 6 months before starting solid food. Then I read an incredibly well cited article that debunks the whole "food before one is just for fun," and states that solids are actually a bit more important than we've given them credit for. I read both pro and con research on tummy sleeping and come out confused. Don't even get me started on cows milk. Being in the dairy industry, I am truly shocked at things people believe is true about cows milk that I know FOR A FACT is not true. (I feel myself getting off on a tangent here so I'll stop now. It's just a subject I'm extremely passionate about. I'll save it for another blog!) 

Anyway. When Sam was a newborn I read until my eyes bled about vaccines. I read until I was in tears. I felt I could not trust anyone, including (especially?) doctors, and had no idea what I should do. And you know what both sides kept demanding? Do your research. 

Who am I to believe? Either way I'm left believing I've just done, or not done, something that could potentially kill my child, or give them cancer, or autism, or a life threatening reaction/disease. Maybe it was easier to be a parent before all this information hit us. I can't imagine researching more or being any more "well informed" than I am, and I'm STILL confused and unsure. I guess it's good that we (everyone I talk to anyway) care enough to research. But sometimes I think its created a bunch of self righteous know it alls spouting off "facts" that they read online. I'm not saying you shouldn't research (remember I myself admitted to researching until my eyes bled!) but maybe we all need to remember who is really in charge here. We make what we think are the best decisions for our kids, but ultimately we aren't in control. We cannot guarantee our children perfect health, no matter how many organic fruits and veggies we give them. I have complete faith and trust in only ONE of my decisions as a parent. That is to trust in God as the ultimate physician, the only one who truly knows it all, the only one who I can know for a fact has no hidden agenda. I remember taking Sam in for his 2 month shots (yes, I decided to vax) and having a good long prayer about it on the way there. I experienced such a peace about it. I'm not saying its because I made the "right" choice. It's like Jesus just put his arm around me and said, "Relax. You aren't as powerful as you seem to think you are." 

Suddenly it's not all up to me. It's not all on my shoulders. Nothing can happen to my babies that my God is unaware of. I don't have to sit back and bite my nails that my research isn't as informed as my friends or neighbors. Because ultimately, I'm not that powerful. 

What a relief. 

Just in case my blog was too cheery...

Well if I've been giving anyone the impression that my life with my sweet babies was all sunshine and roses, I'll go ahead and tell you about today. 

It started with a bad night of sleep. Luke is five months old and I still haven't figured him out yet. If another mom judged herself based on her infants sleep, I'd tell her she was being silly. But it really makes me feel like a crappy mom when my baby isn't sleeping well. Can't I figure out his needs? Does he need to cry, be comforted, be fed more, be fed less, sleep on his tummy, have on more clothes or less, stay awake longer or be put to bed sooner, blah blah blah? Shouldn't a mom know this stuff? Just as soon as I think I've got him figured out and we have a few good days in a row, something like last night happens. So ya, that happened.

Sam has a snotty nose and isn't napping well. He's also a bit restless and asks to go outside or "bye bye in mamas car" all day. I feel bad that he's so clearly bored. Doesn't he know I have to devote my day to getting his baby brother to sleep? 

Luke napped like a rock star yesterday. Today, he's up after 20 minutes every time I lay him down. There's no getting him back to sleep. I even resorted to a "no reason comfort nurse", which worked while he was in my arms, but he woke up the second he was laid down. I decided I'd let him cry awhile, blow off steam. He NEEDS to sleep, and if that's the only way, so be it. Nope, he's one upped me again. Now he's just in there, awake, looking around. If I go get him, he's sure to turn into a fuss machine again. Sam just woke up, too. Annnnd cue Luke starting to cry. All while I have a sink full of dishes and half a batch of pumpkin chocolate chip cookies sitting waiting to be baked, that I haven't had time to finish. The ones that I have finished, aren't very good :/ Every task I've started today has been interrupted, and when I try to just forget it and focus on whichever kid did the interrupting, I somehow fail at that as well. 

I know my problems in life are small. I'm truly grateful for that. I'm just tired and grumpy today. I'll get over it.

Off to get crying baby. Wish me luck for the rest of the day. 

Luckiest mom in the world.

That's how I feel right now. Like I've won the mom lottery. 

Before having kids, I wasn't sure how well I'd like it. I mean, I knew I wanted babies, I knew I would love them and blah blah blah, but would I really enjoy the whole mom thing? We had made the decision that I would stay home with my kids. That meant I was starting a new job where the hours were 24/7 and there was no quitting or going back. Ever. 

Kind of scary. Would a life devoted to changing diapers and getting spit up on thrill me enough that I'd feel fulfilled and happy? No way to tell. 

Fast forward two years and another baby later, and I can honestly say I've never been more thrilled with a job. It's harder, easier, more challenging, more rewarding, simpler and more complicated than I imagined it would be, all at the same time. How is that possible? I don't know, but it's the best way I can describe it. 

At Luke's four month check up, the dr gave me the go ahead to try rice cereal for helping Luke's massive spit up problem. It's less of a medical problem (he's gaining weight and seems relatively unaffected by it) and more of a laundry problem, but it would still be nice if he didn't barf up buckets after every feeding. Anyway, I wasn't thrilled to start. That meant regular pumping (which I hate) and just one step closer to purées, then finger foods, and the whole nine yards. Couldn't my little baby just stay little? Regardless of my attitude, I decided to give it a shot today. So I waited for Sams nap, then pumped some milk and mixed up some cereal. I strapped Luke into the high chair (he looked so big) and got a mini spoonful ready. It occurred to me around this time to take a picture of his first bite (Sam has at least 25 pictures of his) so I grabbed my trusty iPhone. I held the spoon by his mouth and watched with amazement as he opened up and gulped it down. His little face was slightly confused, then happy. He liked it! I had almost forgotten how fun it was to watch them try food. I spent the next several minutes slowly spoon feeding my littlest love and taking it all in. His sweet baby coos, his little smile, the way he sort of swished it around in his mouth and smacked his little lips... This is what I get to do with my life. Watch my babies learn and grow. My heart is full! 

Kids lately.

Sam. 

He's turning into quite the little person. He has his own thoughts and his own ideas and his little mind works in its own little way. I'm so fascinated by his every move. Is that weird? I love looking at him to see how he'll react to things. He talks about his dad, his dads pick up, and his dads tractors all day long. It's adorable. He's such a boy. 

The other day, I was watching him not napping on the video monitor. He was in there sitting on his bed holding his moo cow talking about "mowing with dada." This is not an unusual occurrence. It usually lasts 10 minutes or so before he lays down and goes to sleep. He's a very good sleeper, I rarely have problems with it. Well, this day, he didn't stop. He stayed in there flipping around on his bed talking about going with dada in the poo-up (pick up) to see the corn and to ride the tractor. Omg. Who would have thought I'd ever have a farm kid?!? So I go in there, kind of annoyed, and say, "Sam, why aren't you sleeping?" 

To which he replies, "No seepin. I no like it. Eat cookies?" 

I let him get up. I did not let him eat cookies. 

Luke. 

The rate that this baby is growing is blowing my mind. It's so crazy how much they change in their first few months of life. He has left behind any and all newborn traits and is an official baby. He plays with (aka, shoves in mouth, violently) toys, rolls around, grabs his feet and coos the sweetest baby coos. I love to see his little eyes lock with mine, and watch his little brain click, "oh that's that mom lady!" His face lights up in the biggest, sweetest grin. It feels great to know he's that happy just to see me. His giggle. Ugh. Something about a little baby giggle just gets me.

The other night, we had a moment. One of those moments where my heart just explodes and I want to freeze it and lock it away forever. Luke was a bit fussy and demanding full attention. He was laying on a blanket and I was sitting right over him, talking to him to keep him happy. Sam came up behind me and wanted to "ride a neigh neigh". So Sam is on my back, piggy back style, and I'm sitting there still looking at Luke, bouncing and singing. Luke's eyes widened as he took in the situation, and then he focused in on Sam's laughing face, above my shoulder. He started laughing that glorious baby belly laugh. He got SUCH a kick out of Sam riding on my back. I, of course, continued bouncing and singing so I could prolong this sweet moment. I glanced at Mike to be sure he was watching. He was. I saw everything I was feeling plastered all over his face. It was so fun. A glimpse into their sibling relationship. A glimpse into a payoff for my hard work in keeping up with two babies only 20 months apart. 

I can't wait for more of those moments. 

My prayer for Sam.

Dear Lord, 

Exactly two years ago, I was hours away from going into labor, and experiencing the greatest gift You had ever given me. Samuel Alan has blessed my life in more ways than I can count, and I thank You and praise You for him today and everyday.

I thank You for his health. He's been sick less than a handful of times in his two years on this earth, and never anything serious. He has grown and developed just as he should, and I will never take that for granted. I ask for Your continued blessing over his health and development. I ask for You to touch his body and help him to grow and thrive. I ask You to protect him when we can't. Guard over him, and keep him safe.

I thank You for his sweet personality. His friendly little self just makes my heart burst. Watching him become his own person has brought me so much joy. I ask that You help us to shape him; to discipline him when necessary, while giving him room to be him. Help us teach him and guide him, while enjoying the unique individual that You created. 

I thank You for Mike, and everyone else in Sam's life that loves him. But especially Mike. I am so thankful he has such a wonderful, involved dad who's wish is to raise a son who loves Jesus. He's surrounded by good people who love him. I ask that you continue to place people in his life who will be positive influences on him. Give him plenty of friends, teachers, and family who will point him to You.

I thank You for blessing us with everything we need to meet his basic needs and then some. I ask that You can guide us to a life that will always keep food in his tummy and a roof over his head. 

I ask for Your constant guidance over us, as parents. Give us patience when we need it. Give us wisdom in situations where the right answer isn't clear. If we succeed in anything, let us succeed in raising a kid(s) who knows You. If he has You, he has everything he needs. 

I thank You and praise You for Sam. Mold and shape us to be the parents You would have us be to help raise him into the man You would have him become.

Amen.  

Busy doing nothing.

How does time go by so quickly? Lately I've been a bit on edge. I cried in wal mart the other day. In wal mart. 

I'm not even sure what I'm so frustrated about, but I feel like if you were to give me a metal pole, I could bite it in half. An then throw it at you.

My sweet son is turning two next week, and we are having a party for him. Now, I am very laid back about birthday party's... Those Pinterest-y type moms carving their own decorations out of beach wood and ordering penguins to swim in their pools for the occasion is just so NOT me. A happy birthday banner, some balloons, and a cake will be just fine for me kids, thanks. Yet I'm still stressing, because we have family flying in, a house full of people coming over, and lots to do before the party. I have a list of like 12 essential things that must get done, and I think we've crossed off two of them. Perhaps I should cross off "clean off front door and put up a fall wreath" from the list, considering just getting rid of my massive laundry pile alone is going to take a miracle. I feel I've had a productive day if I manage to brush my teeth and put on a clean pair of  yoga pants.

(If you're confused about why I need to "clean" my front door, you obviously don't know where I live. But that's a story for a different day. Suffice it to say, it needs cleaning) 

Anyway, I'm stressed. I want to have things a bit more "together" than I do. 

Luke doesn't nap longer than 45 at a time. He still wakes up at night, too. I often feel like I finish taking care of one of their needs, and the other one starts up. 

I'm feeling a bit drained. 

At the end of the day, I know I'm lucky. I have a husband who loves me and two healthy kids. I have everything I need and most things I want. I am really not complaining. That would be whiney and childish and greedy. Which I'm not. At all. Ever. 

Brotherly love.

One of the things second time moms are most afraid of is how their older child will react to New Baby. I was no exception. I stayed up at night worrying about Sam feeling jealous or slighted in any way. I forced his squirming body close to me and snuggled and kissed him and held back tears at the thought of my baby being knocked off his "baby" perch before he was even two! How could I do this to him?! I tried to tell myself that giving him a baby brother to laugh and fight and play with was giving him the greatest gift I could. But I felt guilty. It didn't help that every single person I'd ever met in my life asked me if I was worried about Sam's reaction with a knowing, sympathetic nod. Like, oh you poor woman, you'll have to spend so much for his therapy after he's tossed to the side and neglected at 20 months old.

 I tried being perky and optimistic. I'd say, "Oh not really. I'm sure it will take some adjusting but I think it's going to be great!" Then I'd go home and cry. 

After New Baby finally came, it was pretty much the first question everyone asked. 

"So how's Sam doing with it?" 

"Is Sam ok?" 

"I bought Sam something, too, so he doesn't feel left out." 

I actually started feeling bad for Luke. It was almost like he got lost in the shuffle of everyone's hyper concern for Sam. When people came over to meet Luke, they'd end up leaving me by myself with a sleeping newborn while they laughed and played with Sam. I mean, I get that Sam can walk and talk and play while Luke just nurses, sleeps and poops, but he still deserved a little fawning himself, didn't he? 

Sam has truly been fantastic with Luke. I think he is too young to understand that he's not the "baby" anymore. The older they both get, the more he starts to love him rather than ignore him. The past few days I've moved Luke's bedtime up to 730 or so. Last night I put him down while Sam and Mike were still outside, and when they came in Sam was a bit distraught over his missing brother. 

"Wuke? Wuke? Wuke night night?"

It was pretty sweet. Luke has also started to take notice of Sam. Whenever his big brother is in his line of vision, he stares in fascination. 

This morning, Sam was eating breakfast when I got Luke up for the day. 

His eyes lit up when he saw him. "Hi Wuke! Hi!!" 

Then he spent the whole morning down on the ground by him, just hanging out. 

 Watching them this morning truly made my heart melt. I am so excited to watch them actually play and interact as Luke gets older. 

Im sure 6 months from now when they're both crying and fighting over the last cheerio I'll need to be reminded of a simpler time, hence this post.  

Tomorrow might bring harder days, but today is pretty sweet. 

Bath and Bed.

I just got done with the "bath and bed" routine. It took 4 hours. 

Ok, not really. But I went from dinner, to cleaning dinner, to bath and bed for Luke, straight to bath and bed for Sam, with no breaks in between. It was tiring and my mood was not the best. Some nights, this routine goes off without a hitch. My babies are laughing and happy. I giggle with Sam about splashed water, and whisk into the clean kitchen for a fresh towel to wipe it up with as the dishwasher hums quietly in the background. I do not wrestle him to brush his teeth. He gives big hugs and kisses and says, "night night dada and Wuke" at least ten times. Everyone is smiling and relaxed. 

Tonight was not one of those nights. 

I was rushed and annoyed. Luke was tired and hungry a bit before what would have been a convenient time for us. I had to nag at Mike and Sam to hurry up and get in the house at least 5 times before they actually came in. Sam was a bit whiney, and I snapped at him when he splashed in the bath. I wasn't in the mood for the fight he put up to stay in the tub. He screamed as I pinned him down to brush his teeth. Dishes sat in the sink and toys sat around carelessly as I walked into his room for bed. I just wanted to toss him on his bed and quickly retreat to my own bedroom, possibly with a glass of wine. 

But then.

Then, as we closed his door and turned off his lights, he sighed. He actually audibly sighed, and laid his head down on my shoulder. My heart softened and I just kind of held him. He then started slowly singing our nightly bedtime song, "Jesus Loves Me," in my ear and my heart melted. I forgot all about our rushed night. I held him close and cherished the feeling of his little body in my arms. I slowly said our prayer and really thought about every word. I asked him for a kiss and then "another," which he thinks is hilarious for some reason. He giggled and kissed me again and again. I felt blessed beyond measure, and guilty for my bad mood. I put him in bed and tucked him in. He has started the habit of saying "cozy" when I do this, which I find absolutely adorable. I kissed him goodnight and left the room, only to trot ten steps over to Luke's room. I watched his tiny chest move up and down and heard his sweet breath. It's probably post partum hormones (do you still have those 3 months later?) but I practically teared up. I restrained from picking him up, and instead tip toed out of his room. 

I still feel guilty for my crappy attitude I had all night. 

Thank God for little toddler sighs and sweet baby breaths to bring me back to reality.

 

No air conditioning

Seriously, how do people live without air conditioning?!  Well, minus people that live at the beach. They can all bite me by the way.

Our ac went out yesterday morning. So it's currently been a day and a half, and I'm near death. Its 95 degrees out. The boys and I are hanging out in minimal clothes (Sam insisted "shorts off" today. I dont blame him) in front of fans. I live in a small-ish town with not a lot to do, and I only have one other friend who stays at home with her kids - and her whole family is sick. So that leaves us trapped in a sweat box! The night wasn't so bad, we opened the windows and it cooled down nicely. I swaddled Luke in a thin blanket and in only a diaper. I actually think he was cold by the middle of the night. 

Anyway, all that babbling to say we're miserable over here. Too hot to get anything done, so Im doing a lot of this: 

Help!!! 

Back at it.

It's been a long time since I've blogged. I could bore you with all the reasons why, but instead I'll just say life has gotten in the way. But I'm back! 

Life is as busy as ever now that I'm a mom to two boys under two! By the way, this is going to be a mom blog. My life pretty much revolves around my two sweet babies. 

Sam is my almost two (can he really be almost two?!) year old. 

 He is just full of life and mischief and personality. He's friendly and funny and has the sweetest little heart. He likes planes and cars and tractors and all things boy. He's a fan of Mickey Mouse (aren't they all?) and woody from toy story, and taking his shoes on and off all day long. He adores his baby brother and is a huge daddy's boy. I love it most of the time. Maybe 10% of me is jealous that he looks at me like I'm chopped liver after his dad walks in. But really, watching them together melts my heart and fills me with true joy. That's why only 25% of me is jealous.

Luke is my 3 month old. I didn't know if my heart was capable of loving another child after my first. I know all second time moms think that, but it doesn't really help to hear that it's normal. I was sure I must just love my first baby more than everyone else does. Enter Luke. My heart grew and I am beyond smitten with this smiley little guy! 

He is such a good baby, thank God!! He's mellow and content, albeit active and not a great napper. He laughs and rolls and stares at his big brother. 

 

I am blessed beyond what I deserve. I stay home and spend all day loving on my boys. Or just trying to keep them alive. Whatever. 

I still learning how to do the mom thing. As soon as I have something figured out, it changes on me. My only constant is keeping Jesus at the center. Constant as in, I don't change my mind about it. Not that I always succeed. I've figured out that I'm going to need a lot of Jesus to deal with my two under two day in and day out. A lot of Jesus, and a lot of coffee.